Oh the places I'll go!

Hello to all of my 8 blog followers!  Spring is here, and with it brings back my motivation and vitality!  This winter was AWFUL.  Full of sickness.  Mental sickness.  Physical sickness.  Virus after virus after virus.  I'm recovering from one now, actually.  But with hard times comes clarity.  The harder the time, the more gunk to trudge through, the more I learn about what I want.  Specifically what I want to BE.  How I want to LIVE.  (As opposed to merely and barely surviving each day....)  SO, winter hard times are over.  2016 is indeed a new year, and with it a new mindset and attitude!  Not to be down on myself or others who just aren't there yet.  Last year (and the year before that) I desperately wanted to be in the frame of mind I am in now.  But, I wasn't ready yet.  I hadn't learned enough yet.  And there will be more hard times and muck to trudge through.  I'm just happy I feel a new spark this year.  I'm ready and MORE than willing to appease these new sparky feelings.

How you ask?  HOW am I ready to appease this sense of joy and adventure?  Shut up and I'll tell you.  I've already ordered my Advocare 24 day challenge.  LINK HERE  I sell advocare.  But I'm not a salesperson so really I just get the discount.  Feel free to order from that link and we can do this together!  If you have questions about Advocare and why I choose it over the various and sundry choices in the world, I'd be happy to talk about it.  SOOO, I'm using the 24 day challenge to clean up my eating, power up my body, and cleanse out the muck.  My body has had a hard time with digestion and nutrient absorption, and I realllllyyyy need this to get me back on track.  I'm ready for more energy.






As far as food goes, I'm going to do my damnedest to stick to a Forks over Knives lifestyle.  After years of research and experience eating all the different ways, I find truth in this particular method.  So there you go.  If you want to know more about Forks over Knives, click HERE.  I'll answer any questions you have about why I'm choosing plant based food.  (It has to do with longevity and more than that, feeling my best in whatever time I have left on this planet.)

So with the advocare challenge you must 1) Take the supplements.  Check.  2) Eat healthy.  Check.  And 3) Exercise!  What shall I be doing, you ask?  Shush and I'll tell you.  If you know me you know that I not only LOVE yoga, but am certified to teach Ashtanga (primary series only).  SOOOO, my plan is to do the series 4-5 times a week.  If you want to know more about Ashtanga, click THIS LINK.  I'd also love to talk with you about why I've latched on to this exact form of yoga.  Just ask away.  Another thing I'll be doing to get my exercise in is a 30 day walking challenge.  Here is the link to the page where I signed up for it.  On Facebook, I follow a lovely lady who goes by Mama Lion Strong and that is how I heard of this.  Since hiking is something I really want to become engulfed in, I thought that 30 days of walking would be the perfect way to start!  If you want to join me on the walking challenge, please do!  I'd love to see photos of your walks and hear what you learned in your daily walking meditation!  

Ok.  So that is my new journey!  I mentioned hiking a second ago.  I want to digress, if you will, for a paragraph or two.  As the winter gross got me down, I had a LOT of time to think.  A LOT.  OF TIME.  STUCK IN MY HEAD.  Which is a dangerous place to be stuck, lemme tell ya.  I say all kinds of horrible shit to myself.  I have generalized anxiety disorder, so the more time I spend stagnant in bed (sick), the more time I have to believe I'm going to die of cancer.  Probably tomorrow.  Or that I'm going to die of cancer.  Oh wait, I already said that.  Well, let's just stick to my bad thoughts enveloping an imminent death by cancer.  Since my dad died of cancer, I consider it a true and real and around the corner threat.  Obviously.  SOOO, as I sat in my bed convincing myself I had cancer and then telling myself I'm fine (lather, rinse, repeat...), one day I just got motivated, I guess.  I'm damned tired of feeling sick.  I'm beyond exhausted (mentally) from all the rampant anxiety.  And I know from experience that (besides my meds, which do help me maintain a far more "normal" life) diet and what I feed myself is the quickest way for me to feel amazing.  I've felt amazing before.  Because I got rid of ALL sugar from my diet for 3 weeks.  Now, I'm not going that exact route this time, but I think the route I'm going this time will be far more sustainable for a lifetime.  Also this go round, I'm not going to be so harsh on myself when I have some lax weekends, etc.  My mindset is healthier now, and that makes all the difference.

Oh my gawd.  I digressed from my digression!  I do that sometimes.  So I was stuck in bed dreaming of cancer, and one day POOF I wanted that to be over, or something like that.  Well, that day I got to thinking about what really makes me happy.  And let's just assume kids, husbands, mom, family, etc, that's a GIVEN.  They make me happy.  But sometimes you just need, dare I say it??  More.  Sometimes you need more.  I need more.  I thought about what that more might entail.  What MAKES MEL HAPPY?  And then I had memories pop into my mind.  Memories of hiking the last 90 miles of the Camino de Santiago when I was 19 on a missions trip.  That made me happy.  AND I learned so much and loved the entire experience.  So I started watching hiking documentaries and movies.  And something inside of me came to life.  It was vibrant and freeing and nigh on emotional (in a good way).  I thought about my dad.  We used to hike together.  On those hikes, we had the best talks.  I MISS those talks.  I MISS those hikes.  I WANT to hike again.  I want to be a small speck on a mountain trail!  I want to trek to the top of a mountain and feel humbled and awed.  I just knew.  I have to hike again. I have to get back to nature.

Now, I'm in my mid thirties and with that comes a much appreciated sense of "when it happens, it happens".  I am pushing it to an extent.  But I want to do things in a smart, organized, thought out manner.  I am spontaneous at heart.  (shhh...don't tell, but I REALLY love that about myself)  But, it felt right to put my mind at a slower pace with this.  I want to, in the good and right time.

What better to do than plan a fun trip as a goal for all of this mental work.  I have a plan!  AND I'M SO EXCITED!  I'm going on a 3 day womens outdoor retreat of sorts.  The Outessa Summit is sponsored by many outdoor companies, including REI and Big Agnes.  There are two coming up, and I signed up for the Powder Mountain, Utah summit.  I'll get to camp outdoors, have farm to table food, hike, do yoga, take photos, connect with other women, and learn how to be independent and safe while camping and hiking.  I am thrilled!!

My eyes are getting very tired of this computer screen, and I've said all I want to say!  I really would love if anyone wants to join me on this health and wellness adventure I'm taking.  I'll start May 1st with the walking challenge, mid May with the Advocare 24 day Challenge, and May 1st with my yoga and eating.  Wish me luck!  Happy journeys to you.  I hope you join me on mine!

NAMASTE

In the midst....

Hello.  I have many updates.  Especially in regards to PMDD.  And me.  But first, I've included some photos of my hike down La Mina Falls in El Yunque, Puerto Rico.  That's me, above, in front of La Coca Falls (they were in a drought and the waterfalls were a mere trickle compared to normal...).  Nothing like a frumpy pic to make one contemplate taking exercise seriously again.  I don't look horrible (depending on whom you ask, but that is MY feeling).  But for me, this is frumpy.  I've had QUITE the year, though, and I do take that in to consideration.  PMDD brought me two straight years of suicide ideation.  Half the month was a struggle to want to carry on.  I never planned anything, but there were times I might try to figure out the fastest, least painful method of ridding the planet of myself.  I'm going to use phrases in my blogging that directly reflect words I have spoken to myself before.  Like ridding the planet of myself.  I don't truly, in my heart, believe that.  I actually believe I'm a very talented, warm hearted, kind and creative person who can always help make the world better.  BUT, beginning with ovulation (usually), comes my battle.  The battle of the Mels.  PMDD-Mel vs. Just-Mel.  And 2-3 day before my period begins, PMDD Mel always won.  Always.  I'd have panic attacks.  I'd have a difficult time breathing (just being still, mind you, then you add some stair walking into the equation and forget about it!!).  I couldn't focus.  I couldn't remember why I walked into a room.  I couldn't remember what I was doing before I walked into that room.  I forgot to eat.  I couldn't handle being around my kids.  The noise, the things that kids just do, would overwhelm me and I'd flip.  PMDD is the worst thing I have ever experienced.  And after two straight years of it, I am changed.  Fundamentally different.  I have yet to discover if this is good or bad, but my gut tells me all hard journeys lead to better roads.  

Some paths are slippery, though.  Like the trail down to La Mina Falls.  This lovely humongous bruise is a trophy of my massive slip when my hip/outer leg landed on a nice rock.  Before I fell, I was so confident.  I was raring to go.  I was hell bent on showing the random other hotel guests who were also on this tour that I was more than just a slightly overweight Midwestern mom of three.  I was strong. Capable.  And in need of NO help.  Funny how that attitude usually comes before a fall, isn't it?  And in this instance, a literal fall.  A hard crash.  One that rocked me to my core.  Not just because the pain was so significant.  Physical pain?  I can handle it.  (Except for jaw bone infections....those I cannot handle.)  The entire group looked around and freaked out when I fell.  Like my 7 year old daughter, that reaction from a group is an immediate way to get me to shut down and basically dislike all people.  :)  Not really.  But I'll get confrontational if you hover too much.  And of course, as you're probably wondering why I haven't yet mentioned the elephant in the room, my pride was taken from far above normal to right about where it should have been.  We are usually more open to hearing our inner voices, and maybe some other stories, while we are at the low point.  And I did.  

Those of you that know me will have heard me mention (a lot) my dad and his passing.  That was another huge turning point in my life.  I miss him.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Without fail.  I think of him all the time.  The only difference from now to 8 (I think?) years ago is that the open wound has mostly scarred up.  Its not so fresh.  Not so hard to face.  Not so poignant.  But for the first time in a long while, I felt him with me.  We always hiked together.  Always.  And as I was trekking down, I kept thinking of who I wished was there with me.  Normally I'd wish it were my husband.  But he suffers from a very painful disease (psoriatic arthritis) that left untreated (and most of the time WITH treatment) leaves him debilitated and miserable.  So I didn't wish he was there. That would be bad for both of us.  I don't know why it took me as long as it did to think of my dad.  And when I did, the sadness took over.  Because he would have LOVED it.  I guess I'm not to the point when people say things like "Don't spend your time sad that he's gone.  Be happy for the times you had together."  NO.  And eff you.  Sorry.  But I MISS MY DAD.  I AM glad for the times we had together, but I grieve for all the missed moments of bonding.  Of laughter.  Of really special talks.  So feeling him with me was bittersweet.  But mostly reassuring.  That he's not fading.  

When we were on vacation in June, I had already begun my new medical regime.  I've tried a few things in my day.  But the generic Zoloft keeps me from being to weepy (b/c without it I cry pretty much any time I speak of anything personal, which is not only humiliating but affirms to others that I am crazy).  I FINALLY (and I do mean frickin finally) realized I need anxiety medicine.  For now, all the time.  This was huge for me.  Anxiety is my main disorder, it is always there.  PMDD is worse and wreaks far more havoc on my body, but anxiety is my crutch.  And anxiety wreaks plenty of havoc, but the PMDD debilitates me.  And when it has been studied even more, I'm sure these two go hand in hand.  Many women who suffer from PMDD report a lot of anxiety.  PMDD is a catalyst to the crazy.  So my anxiety med is busiprone.  An OB once told me it was "xanax's little brother".  It's non addictive, and simply makes me feel normal again.  Not fuzzy headed but clear and able to make normal decisions.  Like what I want to eat.  Or simply that the dishes are not Mt. Everest and it takes all the stress out of normal day-to-day activities.  (But when you are suffering with no medication, simple things like doing the dishes, or picking up trash wrappers your kids left on the couch, or clearing off the dinner table, seem like fucking Mt. Everest.)  I'm on birth control to stop my ovulation.  As I've read, I'm one of the few that birth control helps (in regards to PMDD).  Most women report it making their lives worse.  But without it, I AM WORSE.  So I take it.  Then there's my last prescription.  My sleep pill.  It's also an antidepressant.  Trazadone.  This has been my go-to sleep prescription (on and off) for the last 10+ years.  It's the only one I have goals to wean from anytime soon.  I've obviously not tackled the root of my anxiety or else I'd be able to sleep without it.  Alas, I still need it.  Then I also take supplements.  For allergies and feelings of inflammation I take Aller-defense by Maharishi Ayurveda.  I now can tell when I don't take it.  The place I can feel it most?  My gut.  I have IBS (thanks mom and dad!) and it has helped relieve pain.  (I also take plenty of probiotics.  My favorite brand is by FAR is Garden of Life.  And kombucha is an immediate relief drink!) I also take licorice root supplements.  They help with cortisol levels.  I don't notice these as much, but I will supplement with them so I'm not over doing my busiprone.  Another product that has absolutely changed my life is Advocare's Spark.  I get my my boost in the mornings and afternoons when I'm sluggish, without the crash that coffee and sugary drinks bring.  And I'm not joking, it has changed my life.  I'm technically a distributor, so if you'd like to purchase some from me, PLEASE let me know!  So that covers that.  

And this picture, above, well I've never seen myself looking that way.  When I saw it, I knew it was time to force myself back into my yoga routine.  Sometimes a vacation picture is the motivation you need.  I've gotten back into regular classes and found my groove again. And my confidence.  And some vitality.  AND.  AND.... AANNNDDDD.... I've decided to take an Ashtanga (info about Ashtanga here...) yoga teacher training course in October.  I've felt in my gut that things were changing in March or April.  And now I'm getting excited about that.  This is going to set my life on such a freeing path!  The times that I have felt the most purpose have been when working.  But now, I'll have a job that will MEAN something.  To me.  And to the people who step foot in my classroom.  I've already begun gathering songs for a playlist.  I'm not a frufru yogi.  So my playlist is going to be FUN!  Not that meditative songs that are mostly instrumental with some chanting are not fun.  But what gets me going is a good tune thats words and rhythm bring me to a place where I can stop focusing so much on whether I can or can't do a pose, but on the process of trying the pose in a fun and light hearted manner.  I'm so ready.  

So life the past couple of months has been FULL.  Busting over with lots of thoughts.  I've been far more contemplative than usual, and right now that is a good thing.  I still have a lot I'm chewing over.  But I do feel taking this new road is a game changer.  I'm taking my life back.  I'm cleaning up my diet.  I'm taking the supplements and pills with ZERO guilt.  I'm taking the steps that are necessary for me to be vibrant again.  To regain my sense of self. And to regain my sense of purpose.  I've been raising 3 small children, and yes that has DEFINITE purpose!!  But, for me, it has brought so many challenges and anxieties that have proven to me it's time to get back out into the world!  I've enjoyed my time with the littles, while they're little.  And now, I'll enjoy my time with them even more.  

Namaste Bitches.  

It's that time again!

I hate to only write about PMDD and health, but for now, my health and my husband's health are the rulers of everything.  So I suppose it makes sense that when I do blog, it's about that.

So in my world, I've tried something new this past month.  As far as I can tell, every woman with PMDD reacts differently to the various kinds of treatment, and it's a science experiment to find what works for each person.  (As is the case in most mood disorders I've read about/witnessed/gone through myself.)

{<<Would love to add here that after that sentence I ended up going somewhere, and then forgot I had even started this post....as is life with PMDD.>>}

So this past month I started taking Buspar twice a day.  For me, it has been a life saver (except for the horrific 3 days prior to my period).  I got more done this month that I have in awhile (if you look at the number of days I was active and not lost and confused in an angry fog of feelings that I have no control over, really).  But then the BAD days set in.  And if felt like it always does.  Life ruining.  Dream crushing.  Nightmarish.  This month I got hit with the worst panic attack I've ever had.  I caught myself diminishing the severity of it multiple times, and I'm now trying to own how horrifying it really was in the moment.  When I rehash it for people, it doesn't sound as bad as it was.  But I tried to shut myself in the pantry while murmuring over and over again about death.  At one point someone tried to open the pantry.  That was all at the beginning and I didn't even realize yet what was happening.  All I could hold onto was the feeling that I needed to get out of there.  (The house.)  I eventually went to the bathroom where my husband was showering and said I needed his keys.  He encouraged me to go to the basement instead, and I thought "yeah.  The basement.  Better than driving, probably."  So I went down stairs.  I did calm down momentarily, but eventually the nightmarish thoughts flooded in and I was suffocating again.  (It feels like it, at least.)  There was a trigger to all of this, but I don't want to go in to it right now.  The trigger brought all of my worst fears to the forefront of my mind.  Those fears being:  Me dying of ____ (just insert any life threatening illness, it doesn't matter which one).  My husband dying of complications from his psoriatic arthritis.  My mother in law (who supports my family of 5 both financially and emotionally) dying from her health complications.  Me being left with no job, no college degree, poor health which will keep me from working a steady job, so therefore no income to support my family.  Those fears are things I feel daily.  I'm not over exaggerating.  Those thoughts blip into my brain daily.  So I can fight them off when I'm feeling "normal".  But when PMDD rears it vicious and compassionless head, I absolutely break.  All I want to do at that moment is run as far away from the fear and the situation as possible.  Escape.  Escape.  Escape.  I don't know how long it lasted.  It felt like centuries.  But overall, with the initial trigger to the moment I lugged my heavy body, wrought with dread and almost immobilized by the trauma of the attack, and fell into my bed, it was around an hour.  24 hours after the attack, my period started.  It was a LONG 42 day cycle.  (I'm in perimenopause and I guess there is NO predicting when shit will hit the fan.)

Segue to my new plan.  I had met with my regular family physician the day after the attack b/c I knew I was very weak (anemia) and had made an appointment already to have my blood checked.  We discussed some options.  I am going to go back on the pill (so my period can be SCHEDULED, because ain't nobody got time for that.  Ever.).  And I'll continue my buspar regimen.  I do believe and hope that this will lessen the suffering every month.  Let's hope that is true.

When asked by any physician why I wasn't already taking the buspar daily, my only truthful reply was, "Naturalists."

Fucking Naturalists.

Please as you venture on your own journey to health and happiness, try to be mindful that some of us have actual, serious issues that can't be so easily solved with rubbing some oil on our feet or eating _____ every day.  Some of us NEED pharmaceuticals to function how you do on nothing, even if you're not feeling your greatest.  Your bad days could be our best days.  You never know.  Not that I think eating clean, upping your intake of fruits and veggies and cutting back the processed junk is void of benefit.  It is FULL of benefit.  But.....that doesn't fix me.  And if it fixes you, FANTASTIC!  I'm jealous, but happy for you.  From the bottom of my very honest heart, I am.  But I've been duped folks.  I've been duped into thinking all health officials are bad.  (LOTS of them are.  I actually thanked my doctor yesterday because it took us years to find someone we trusted.)  And not all pharmaceuticals are bad.  But what IS bad?  Not listening to your own body and mind.  Because you've listened to all the rhetoric about what one should and/or should not do.

Life is funny.  It is not black and white.  What works for me will probably not work for you.  Vice versa.  But what does seem to work for pretty much everyone I've ever met is listening to them.  Loving them.  And letting them be their true selves, no judgements attached.

I'm still riding out my storm over here.  Trying to concentrate and focus through the fog of hormones that keeps telling me bad things.  But in a few days, I WILL feel like me again.  The happy me who wants to make you happy.  The happy me that might poke at you just to get a smile.  The happy me who sees EVERY child out there as a mini adult who needs love in order to blossom into a whole adult.  The happy me who wants to sing and do yoga.  The happy me who doesn't mind helping my kids clean their rooms.  The happy me who won't be overwhelmed (as much) with what the house has become this last week.  The happy me who will fight for good as soon as my bad fog lifts.

I'm waiting for her.

Here I am, again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to stand alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wastin' no more time.

I wish I had the conviction of that last line.  I feel like, every single month at this time, ALL I do is waste time.  I'm at day 26 of my cycle, and, as always, my life is in {what I perceive to be} anguish and turmoil.  Nothing is right.  {especially with ME}  Nothing is good.  Nothing will ever be good, or any semblance of the good I feel I used to be.  I cry.  At everything.  Sometimes (ok, most times) I just start crying and then I get this weird feeling of "WHAT THE FUCK".  Because I'm not DOING anything.  I'm isolating myself.  I'm not pushing too much.  I'm just here.  In front of a screen.  Keeping my brain busy with ANYthing other than what I am feeling and thinking.  But it isn't working.  I'm so sad.  I'm so scared.  I feel so alone.  I feel like the fattest, ugliest, most repulsive human of all time.  Ever.

This negative thinking is a symptom of women who have PMDD.  (I know all women feel this way from time to time, especially before their period.  But women with PMDD...well...the dip in hormones has a very dramatic effect on our brains.  It's like being debilitated by fear that you cannot help or control for at least one week out of every month.  That's 1/4 of our lives.  To feel flat out crazy, unhinged, guilty, and at times suicidal.  It comes with our monthly routine.  Which is why women who have PMDD are at a high suicide risk.  And need to be more outspoken about their condition so as to strip away some of the stigmas on "crazy women" and "that time of the month".)  This isn't your ordinary PMS.  This is life altering.  This makes you question so much of what you thought you knew.  Of what you thought you believed.  Having a disorder that no one can see, and that very few people can relate to is...it's tough.  I'm not trying to cry myself a river.  If anything, I'm trying to be HONEST with MYSELF about this.  So that I can continue to battle it, and every month maybe I'll feel slightly more "in control" just knowing that none of these thoughts and feeling are my fault, and I just have to ride the storm out.

I don't know where to go when I feel this way.  Being a home body seems to be my first inclination.  But trapping myself in this unfinished hell hole (it's not really a hell hole, but at this time of month, with all the chaos left untended to, it FEELS like a hell hole that I'VE single handedly created.  And I'm the only one to fix it. And guilt just KEEPPPPSSSS ON COMING.  Which makes everything worse.).  I've gained enough weight (legit dudes....not TONS, but enough that trying on clothes in Old Navy before yoga class was enough to make me want to hide from all of humanity until either I'm dead, or all the other people are dead) that I am now consciously avoiding people I'm familiar with.  I'm marked head to toe with the scars of my picking addiction.  I'm easily 20 pounds heavier than I was this summer.  I don't feel like putting on makeup does ANYthing to cover up my failures as a woman.  A mom who has given up on herself.  That's me.  And I don't know that I can "beat" this disorder.  It is SO strong.  I give in to too many sugar cravings.  I'm not eating my fruits and veggies.  I'm letting myself go.  And I hate myself for it.

So I'm RIDICULOUSLY afraid of posting this.  It's my life.  It's my pain.  It's the only way I've ever known, and I've kept it as secret as possible.  Trying to play off my mood swings.  Trying to tell myself that one day it will be better. The hope that one day it will be better dwindles with each passing month, which contributes to me feeling like letting go is best.

I miss my yoga class.  I miss feeling confident and proud.  I hate this person who I'm becoming.  She's passive.  She'd rather let her kids have fits than calm down her hormonal swings because I'm not sure I CAN control them.  I've generally stopped punishing.  Because I can't do it without inflicting unnecessary emotional pain on them.  Growing up is hard enough without a mom who unleashes her PMDD on you.  Seriously.

Umm.  So.  That's where I'm at today.  I'm going to go find a place to be for awhile.  I've always wanted to go up the tower and Unity Village, and today must be the day.

I really am very sensitive and self conscious about all of this.  Most of you reading this know me one way or the other.  And now you know me more than you wanted to.  ;-)

Teagan's "My Favorite Things" 5th Birthday Party

Teagan Turns Five, tea party style...

Teagan became very active in planning her party this year.  She wanted so many things to be a part of her celebration that I decided it should be a Favorite Things theme.  It was a great idea!  

Her birthday invitation I texted to everyone.

We decided upon her guest favors (one of my FAVORITE parts of party throwing).  It was decided that we should give one of her very most favorite things as the favor.  Teddy bear.  In a brown paper package, tied up with string.  

I have always wanted to throw a tea party.  And Teagan LOVES playing tea party.  Super easy decision there.  I scoured local thrift shops for tea cups and saucers (that didn't match, because I'm quirky like that...or cheap..).  I just kinda threw it all together.  I thrive on the setting it up process.  It completes me.

I perused pinterest trying to find inspiration for cupcakes.  I found this and this.  Then I found cupcake liners that looked like flowers from Michael's and my results were these:

I'm a huge fan of party hats.  Though I'm not sure why, really.  Teagan is my girly girl.  And I wanted to use that.  I found these lace crowns and tutorial on pinterest and had fun creating my own!

Overall it was a fun party with lots of tasty treats and fun with friends.  I'll post a few more photos of the big day!  Thanks for dropping by!

The Max and Ruby cookies made by my VERY talented friend Caiti.  Caiti's Cookies is on Facebook! She ships!

All photos taken by myself.  Link to my facebook page in 3 2 1....

https://www.facebook.com/mel.miller.photos

Trudging Through the Muck

Ok.  I'm going to start today's post off with a little background on where I'm at right now, in relation to my husband's illness.  My husband has psoriatic arthritis.  psoriatic arthritis description  He's had it since (before) we were married, although we didn't know or have that diagnosis until recently (a year, maybe two?).  Since getting the diagnosis, things have definitely changed.  Before, he and I were always optimistic we'd find something natural to heal us, or him (but me, too, because my anxiety and insomnia problems are extensive and go back to my young childhood days).  Before the diagnosis there was hope that it could be cured.  Now.  Well, now we know this is as good as he'll ever be (if no cures or magic treatments appear, we do keep hoping medical nanobots will become a reality soon).  From here on out, he can only get worse, but he cannot get better.  As the disease makes his body (specifically his joints) attack themselves.  Degeneration is a bitch.  So we went from being hopeful to being in that state you get in when hope seems to dissipate rapidly as the reality of the situation and the future sinks in.  I've also had to come to terms with my own medical issues.  Fighting all these debilitating illnesses has been rough.

But as always with struggle comes a sense of survival.  For a long time we were merely "surviving" our issues.  My husband may always be there.  And by surviving I mean we went from home cooking our nightly meals with at least one vegetable to literally just serving up whatever was easiest, and most of the time that meant ordering out.  So my issues have become worse with the apathy, lethargy, and addiction to sugary and processed foods.  I won't speak for my husband.  I just know that I plummet downhill quickly when I'm not feeding my cells properly.

I've gained weight.  Probably not as much as I think.  But enough that I'm uncomfortable in most of my clothes.  I start to self hate at a severe level when I get to a certain point.  Not this time.  I GET why I've "let myself go" this time.  It has SUCKED.  But something amazing happened Monday night.  I took my middle child to her gymnastics class, which I hate going to because it is a gym packed full with kids, and tiny bleachers for all of the parents and siblings to sit and wait on.  It is crowded full of people who have had a full day of work and antsy children who are tired of sitting still.  Not my "happy place".  Ever.  After her class we were getting ready to leave and ran into a girl who had been there during my middle child's first gymnastics class.  It had been awhile since I'd seen her.  She looks up at me, took awhile for her to recognize me, and said,

"Oh hi!  It's been DAYS since I've seen you!  You got old."  

I knew as soon as I saw this sweet little girl who always liked me because I would sit with her and play an Ipad game where we decorated finger nails over, and over, and over, and then over again, that she was alarmed by something in my appearance.  Maybe it is my rampant acne?  (I have been ravaged with horrific acne since my adulthood, and it has gotten far worse since I've been pregnant, and then even after having had the babies.  It just doesn't lighten up.  And I'm a picker.  OCD-ish.  It's an anxious habit that at first gives me a sense of comfort.  But the after math is usually devastating to my self esteem.)  Maybe it is the dark circles?  Maybe it's that my hair has gotten so dull and lifeless, when it used to be my main thing I was complimented on?  Maybe it's the weight gain?  It's probably all of those things combined.  But it worked.  Sometimes a sweet, innocent child can hit you with a reality check that adults are tactful enough to not bring up.  When I got home from gymnastics that night I was greeted by a cranky husband.  He's cranky a lot these days.  Because he's hurting 100% of the time.  And when I say hurting, it's not the kind of hurting you or I feel.  It's a DEBILITATING pain that is literally relentless.  We are still trying to find the right medicine to help him.  Anyway, he was sour that night.  And when he's sour, it's almost impossible to have a conversation with him because he's the most opinionated man I know.  And smart.  Reallllllllyyyyyy smart.  And he can word everything to sound reasonable, even if you know it's not.  And I'm a confrontation avoider!!  At ALL costs.  But is my marriage too high a cost?  YES.  YES IT IS.  So I've been mindful about that a lot in the past year.  It really isn't his fault I don't find the backbone often enough to be able to communicate my point of view clearly.  (Also the PMDD and anemia has made it nearly impossible to keep ANY train of thought, so I could never properly argue back.  And let's face it, a couple HAS HAS HAS to be able to constructively bicker and argue things out if the relationship is to succeed!)  So my mindfulness and probably the extra little bit of clarity really helped me out that night.  To be honest, right now I forget what we even argued about.  What I DO recall is standing my ground on my point of view, and the feeling of empowerment that surged through my blood stream.  We ended up resolving whatever the issue was, no hard feelings.  It did NOT ruin my night.  I was ready to let go, in a good way.  I was ready to face the confrontation like a strong woman who is sure of her value.  I've not been able to provide myself (or him) that very much throughout our 10 years together.  And DAMN it felt GOOD to be a gangsta.  (At least that's how I felt that night!)

So after a 6 year old told me I looked old, and I stood up to my husband with confidence and compassion (well, maybe the compassion came later?!??), I felt a renewed sense of "I can DO this!  I am strong enough!  I am important enough!  I AM strong!  I CAN change!  I cannot believe how much I am growing!  Seriously, I needed BOTH of those things to happen in exactly the order and timeline that they did.  Because the combination of the two is what has prompted me to truly find my own voice, my own way of being true to myself, and my confidence to do a few things alone.  For me.

So here I am.  Still fighting off daily sinus or tension headaches, lethargy, lack of motivation, feelings of "what's the point?", staring into the chaotic mess our house has YET AGAIN become.  But not losing my hope!  Knowing I can do things to help myself.  And in turn, that will help my loved ones!  But I have to keep my focus on ME.  I can't get better for my husband, or just for my kids.  I HAVE to get better because I believe I deserve that and that I can accomplish it all by myself.

That is some background.  I have plans.  I have already told myself to not get down on myself when those plans don't turn out in the way I was hoping, or even when I can't stick to my own goddammed goals.  It's OK.  I'm OK.  I will be OK.  And my journey is OK!  It is MY journey.  And I will take over the drivers seat, thank you very much!

{This is me.  Today.  I have on foundation and powder.  But I would normally not post this because I'm quite self conscious about my acne.  But this is me.  And I am good enough.}

Getting It Together. Now.

I am beginning a new journey.  One I haven't {*really, actually, really*} tried before.  One internal.  One focused on Me.  But in a different way, or feeling, then I've focused on me before.  Life has been V E R Y interesting lately.  I'll perhaps touch on the countless reasons why as I begin this new journey of journaling online.  But I HAVE to journal.  I have to document my story.  Not because I give a shit if it reaches even one person, but because the person I most need to reach is ME.  Sitting here.  I have a lot of soul searching to do.  I have a lot of ugly habits and patterns to change.  I have a lot of hard truths to stare down in the mirror, every day.  Until one day, my habits have shifted.  Until it doesn't feel like "trying hard" anymore.  But I know I can do this.  I can.

I'm cutting out the sugar.  Recently I've learned a whole lot about myself and all the reasons life has felt WAY BEYOND miserable and horrifying.  I have PMDD.  And most likely I'm in the lovely beginning stages of my ovaries shutting down and sending my body into menopause.  It's super fun.

Next post I will talk about my struggles with discovering how funky my hormones are.  And the symptoms that almost destroyed me!!  I will also try to discuss soon the point of time in my life where I felt my BEST, youngest, most energetic and happy.  (It has something to do with NO sugar consumption...)

It's Birthday Season so hopefully that means I'll be posting pictures of the big events.  So many things to focus on!  (In a GOOD way!!  Not a plate too full kind of way!)

Zoey is having a Marshmallow, Hot Chocolate, and Pajama Party.  The photo shoot was fun!