Here I am, again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to stand alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wastin' no more time.

I wish I had the conviction of that last line.  I feel like, every single month at this time, ALL I do is waste time.  I'm at day 26 of my cycle, and, as always, my life is in {what I perceive to be} anguish and turmoil.  Nothing is right.  {especially with ME}  Nothing is good.  Nothing will ever be good, or any semblance of the good I feel I used to be.  I cry.  At everything.  Sometimes (ok, most times) I just start crying and then I get this weird feeling of "WHAT THE FUCK".  Because I'm not DOING anything.  I'm isolating myself.  I'm not pushing too much.  I'm just here.  In front of a screen.  Keeping my brain busy with ANYthing other than what I am feeling and thinking.  But it isn't working.  I'm so sad.  I'm so scared.  I feel so alone.  I feel like the fattest, ugliest, most repulsive human of all time.  Ever.

This negative thinking is a symptom of women who have PMDD.  (I know all women feel this way from time to time, especially before their period.  But women with PMDD...well...the dip in hormones has a very dramatic effect on our brains.  It's like being debilitated by fear that you cannot help or control for at least one week out of every month.  That's 1/4 of our lives.  To feel flat out crazy, unhinged, guilty, and at times suicidal.  It comes with our monthly routine.  Which is why women who have PMDD are at a high suicide risk.  And need to be more outspoken about their condition so as to strip away some of the stigmas on "crazy women" and "that time of the month".)  This isn't your ordinary PMS.  This is life altering.  This makes you question so much of what you thought you knew.  Of what you thought you believed.  Having a disorder that no one can see, and that very few people can relate to is...it's tough.  I'm not trying to cry myself a river.  If anything, I'm trying to be HONEST with MYSELF about this.  So that I can continue to battle it, and every month maybe I'll feel slightly more "in control" just knowing that none of these thoughts and feeling are my fault, and I just have to ride the storm out.

I don't know where to go when I feel this way.  Being a home body seems to be my first inclination.  But trapping myself in this unfinished hell hole (it's not really a hell hole, but at this time of month, with all the chaos left untended to, it FEELS like a hell hole that I'VE single handedly created.  And I'm the only one to fix it. And guilt just KEEPPPPSSSS ON COMING.  Which makes everything worse.).  I've gained enough weight (legit dudes....not TONS, but enough that trying on clothes in Old Navy before yoga class was enough to make me want to hide from all of humanity until either I'm dead, or all the other people are dead) that I am now consciously avoiding people I'm familiar with.  I'm marked head to toe with the scars of my picking addiction.  I'm easily 20 pounds heavier than I was this summer.  I don't feel like putting on makeup does ANYthing to cover up my failures as a woman.  A mom who has given up on herself.  That's me.  And I don't know that I can "beat" this disorder.  It is SO strong.  I give in to too many sugar cravings.  I'm not eating my fruits and veggies.  I'm letting myself go.  And I hate myself for it.

So I'm RIDICULOUSLY afraid of posting this.  It's my life.  It's my pain.  It's the only way I've ever known, and I've kept it as secret as possible.  Trying to play off my mood swings.  Trying to tell myself that one day it will be better. The hope that one day it will be better dwindles with each passing month, which contributes to me feeling like letting go is best.

I miss my yoga class.  I miss feeling confident and proud.  I hate this person who I'm becoming.  She's passive.  She'd rather let her kids have fits than calm down her hormonal swings because I'm not sure I CAN control them.  I've generally stopped punishing.  Because I can't do it without inflicting unnecessary emotional pain on them.  Growing up is hard enough without a mom who unleashes her PMDD on you.  Seriously.

Umm.  So.  That's where I'm at today.  I'm going to go find a place to be for awhile.  I've always wanted to go up the tower and Unity Village, and today must be the day.

I really am very sensitive and self conscious about all of this.  Most of you reading this know me one way or the other.  And now you know me more than you wanted to.  ;-)

Teagan's "My Favorite Things" 5th Birthday Party

Teagan Turns Five, tea party style...

Teagan became very active in planning her party this year.  She wanted so many things to be a part of her celebration that I decided it should be a Favorite Things theme.  It was a great idea!  

Her birthday invitation I texted to everyone.

We decided upon her guest favors (one of my FAVORITE parts of party throwing).  It was decided that we should give one of her very most favorite things as the favor.  Teddy bear.  In a brown paper package, tied up with string.  

I have always wanted to throw a tea party.  And Teagan LOVES playing tea party.  Super easy decision there.  I scoured local thrift shops for tea cups and saucers (that didn't match, because I'm quirky like that...or cheap..).  I just kinda threw it all together.  I thrive on the setting it up process.  It completes me.

I perused pinterest trying to find inspiration for cupcakes.  I found this and this.  Then I found cupcake liners that looked like flowers from Michael's and my results were these:

I'm a huge fan of party hats.  Though I'm not sure why, really.  Teagan is my girly girl.  And I wanted to use that.  I found these lace crowns and tutorial on pinterest and had fun creating my own!

Overall it was a fun party with lots of tasty treats and fun with friends.  I'll post a few more photos of the big day!  Thanks for dropping by!

The Max and Ruby cookies made by my VERY talented friend Caiti.  Caiti's Cookies is on Facebook! She ships!

All photos taken by myself.  Link to my facebook page in 3 2 1....

https://www.facebook.com/mel.miller.photos

Trudging Through the Muck

Ok.  I'm going to start today's post off with a little background on where I'm at right now, in relation to my husband's illness.  My husband has psoriatic arthritis.  psoriatic arthritis description  He's had it since (before) we were married, although we didn't know or have that diagnosis until recently (a year, maybe two?).  Since getting the diagnosis, things have definitely changed.  Before, he and I were always optimistic we'd find something natural to heal us, or him (but me, too, because my anxiety and insomnia problems are extensive and go back to my young childhood days).  Before the diagnosis there was hope that it could be cured.  Now.  Well, now we know this is as good as he'll ever be (if no cures or magic treatments appear, we do keep hoping medical nanobots will become a reality soon).  From here on out, he can only get worse, but he cannot get better.  As the disease makes his body (specifically his joints) attack themselves.  Degeneration is a bitch.  So we went from being hopeful to being in that state you get in when hope seems to dissipate rapidly as the reality of the situation and the future sinks in.  I've also had to come to terms with my own medical issues.  Fighting all these debilitating illnesses has been rough.

But as always with struggle comes a sense of survival.  For a long time we were merely "surviving" our issues.  My husband may always be there.  And by surviving I mean we went from home cooking our nightly meals with at least one vegetable to literally just serving up whatever was easiest, and most of the time that meant ordering out.  So my issues have become worse with the apathy, lethargy, and addiction to sugary and processed foods.  I won't speak for my husband.  I just know that I plummet downhill quickly when I'm not feeding my cells properly.

I've gained weight.  Probably not as much as I think.  But enough that I'm uncomfortable in most of my clothes.  I start to self hate at a severe level when I get to a certain point.  Not this time.  I GET why I've "let myself go" this time.  It has SUCKED.  But something amazing happened Monday night.  I took my middle child to her gymnastics class, which I hate going to because it is a gym packed full with kids, and tiny bleachers for all of the parents and siblings to sit and wait on.  It is crowded full of people who have had a full day of work and antsy children who are tired of sitting still.  Not my "happy place".  Ever.  After her class we were getting ready to leave and ran into a girl who had been there during my middle child's first gymnastics class.  It had been awhile since I'd seen her.  She looks up at me, took awhile for her to recognize me, and said,

"Oh hi!  It's been DAYS since I've seen you!  You got old."  

I knew as soon as I saw this sweet little girl who always liked me because I would sit with her and play an Ipad game where we decorated finger nails over, and over, and over, and then over again, that she was alarmed by something in my appearance.  Maybe it is my rampant acne?  (I have been ravaged with horrific acne since my adulthood, and it has gotten far worse since I've been pregnant, and then even after having had the babies.  It just doesn't lighten up.  And I'm a picker.  OCD-ish.  It's an anxious habit that at first gives me a sense of comfort.  But the after math is usually devastating to my self esteem.)  Maybe it is the dark circles?  Maybe it's that my hair has gotten so dull and lifeless, when it used to be my main thing I was complimented on?  Maybe it's the weight gain?  It's probably all of those things combined.  But it worked.  Sometimes a sweet, innocent child can hit you with a reality check that adults are tactful enough to not bring up.  When I got home from gymnastics that night I was greeted by a cranky husband.  He's cranky a lot these days.  Because he's hurting 100% of the time.  And when I say hurting, it's not the kind of hurting you or I feel.  It's a DEBILITATING pain that is literally relentless.  We are still trying to find the right medicine to help him.  Anyway, he was sour that night.  And when he's sour, it's almost impossible to have a conversation with him because he's the most opinionated man I know.  And smart.  Reallllllllyyyyyy smart.  And he can word everything to sound reasonable, even if you know it's not.  And I'm a confrontation avoider!!  At ALL costs.  But is my marriage too high a cost?  YES.  YES IT IS.  So I've been mindful about that a lot in the past year.  It really isn't his fault I don't find the backbone often enough to be able to communicate my point of view clearly.  (Also the PMDD and anemia has made it nearly impossible to keep ANY train of thought, so I could never properly argue back.  And let's face it, a couple HAS HAS HAS to be able to constructively bicker and argue things out if the relationship is to succeed!)  So my mindfulness and probably the extra little bit of clarity really helped me out that night.  To be honest, right now I forget what we even argued about.  What I DO recall is standing my ground on my point of view, and the feeling of empowerment that surged through my blood stream.  We ended up resolving whatever the issue was, no hard feelings.  It did NOT ruin my night.  I was ready to let go, in a good way.  I was ready to face the confrontation like a strong woman who is sure of her value.  I've not been able to provide myself (or him) that very much throughout our 10 years together.  And DAMN it felt GOOD to be a gangsta.  (At least that's how I felt that night!)

So after a 6 year old told me I looked old, and I stood up to my husband with confidence and compassion (well, maybe the compassion came later?!??), I felt a renewed sense of "I can DO this!  I am strong enough!  I am important enough!  I AM strong!  I CAN change!  I cannot believe how much I am growing!  Seriously, I needed BOTH of those things to happen in exactly the order and timeline that they did.  Because the combination of the two is what has prompted me to truly find my own voice, my own way of being true to myself, and my confidence to do a few things alone.  For me.

So here I am.  Still fighting off daily sinus or tension headaches, lethargy, lack of motivation, feelings of "what's the point?", staring into the chaotic mess our house has YET AGAIN become.  But not losing my hope!  Knowing I can do things to help myself.  And in turn, that will help my loved ones!  But I have to keep my focus on ME.  I can't get better for my husband, or just for my kids.  I HAVE to get better because I believe I deserve that and that I can accomplish it all by myself.

That is some background.  I have plans.  I have already told myself to not get down on myself when those plans don't turn out in the way I was hoping, or even when I can't stick to my own goddammed goals.  It's OK.  I'm OK.  I will be OK.  And my journey is OK!  It is MY journey.  And I will take over the drivers seat, thank you very much!

{This is me.  Today.  I have on foundation and powder.  But I would normally not post this because I'm quite self conscious about my acne.  But this is me.  And I am good enough.}

Getting It Together. Now.

I am beginning a new journey.  One I haven't {*really, actually, really*} tried before.  One internal.  One focused on Me.  But in a different way, or feeling, then I've focused on me before.  Life has been V E R Y interesting lately.  I'll perhaps touch on the countless reasons why as I begin this new journey of journaling online.  But I HAVE to journal.  I have to document my story.  Not because I give a shit if it reaches even one person, but because the person I most need to reach is ME.  Sitting here.  I have a lot of soul searching to do.  I have a lot of ugly habits and patterns to change.  I have a lot of hard truths to stare down in the mirror, every day.  Until one day, my habits have shifted.  Until it doesn't feel like "trying hard" anymore.  But I know I can do this.  I can.

I'm cutting out the sugar.  Recently I've learned a whole lot about myself and all the reasons life has felt WAY BEYOND miserable and horrifying.  I have PMDD.  And most likely I'm in the lovely beginning stages of my ovaries shutting down and sending my body into menopause.  It's super fun.

Next post I will talk about my struggles with discovering how funky my hormones are.  And the symptoms that almost destroyed me!!  I will also try to discuss soon the point of time in my life where I felt my BEST, youngest, most energetic and happy.  (It has something to do with NO sugar consumption...)

It's Birthday Season so hopefully that means I'll be posting pictures of the big events.  So many things to focus on!  (In a GOOD way!!  Not a plate too full kind of way!)

Zoey is having a Marshmallow, Hot Chocolate, and Pajama Party.  The photo shoot was fun!

Teagan's Mermaid Party

Hello InterWeb world.  It's me.  The non-blogging SAHM to 3 kids who will probably never keep up a REAL blog.  Although I wish I had those magical abilities.  This past year has been BANANAS.  NUTS.  Effing CRAZY!  Why??  Not sure.  I think it's a combination of: a 5 year old, a 3 year old, a 1 year old, an entrepreneurial husband (whom I adore) and his roller coaster of a paycheck, my hormones, starting real school (kindergartener), did I mention the 3 and 1 year olds?!!?!  I've now signed myself up as an assistant Girl Scout troop leader.  (Because I MUST be insane, seriously.  I have a hard enough time maintaining sanity with the most simple life structure.  To tack on added responsibility aside from keeping small children alive is PURE INSANITY.)  I'm going to blog about Teagan's Mermaid Party.  Why?!?  Because I have been wanting to for AGES.  AND AGES.  I ALSO LIKE TYPING IN CAPS LOCK TODAY.  I'M YELLING AT YOU, APPARENTLY.  SORRY. 

So.....Teagan's 3rd birthday extravaganza.  Mermaid Heaven.  I'm going to mostly post pictures for those of you "I can see it, then just recreate it" (I fall into that category usually), but I will try to remember the websites I found things on as I post.  Here goes!  

The Party Table.  As far as I recollect, I brainstormed this layout on my own.  And with the help of TJ Maxx, where I purchased the sea horse statues and many of the nautical items you'll find posted later on.  I did follow a tutorial on how to craft those tissue puff balls (tissue paper ball tutorial here).  I'm going to post more photos of the individual parts of this table now. 

So let's discuss her outfit first.  I made it.  Head to fins.  The hat is a Styrofoam cone found in the floral section at any craft store.  (I had found these at Hobby Lobby and Joann's, I believe...)  I coated that baby in mod podge, then dipped it in glitter.  After it dried I gave it a second coat of mod podge and glitter.  Then after it dried I coated it finally in mod podge (no glitter) so that the glitter wouldn't fall off as easily.  I then made a tiny tulle ball (akin to the afore mentioned tissue ball) (tulle pom pom tutorial here) and hot glued it to the top.  I took a thin strip of tulle and sewed a gathered stitch (video for how to sew a perfect gathered stitch here) hot glued that to the bottom edge of my cone.  For the three, I found a font I liked and used my silhouette cameo to cut it (website for purchasing info for a silhouette here)   then I mod podged that bad boy to the birthday hat.  I then took the plastic plain headband I had purchased and found a good place for the hat.  I pushed the headband in to form a groove.  I pulled out the headband, filled the groove with hot glue, then placed the headband inside.  POOF!  Super cute, custom made Mermaid Birthday Girl Crown!  TING!  

The shirt material I purchased from Hobby Lobby.  Since it was a stretchy material I knew I wouldn't have to hem anything.  I literally (and so very simply) made a basic tube top.  One line sewed down the back!  BAM!  Mermaid tube top.  I did cut one strip of the fabric to make the tie.  I sewed the button on the front by hand and tied the tie behind her neck.  It worked for the one day of wearing it.  For her tiny body, 1/4 a yard would totally do it!  

The skirt.  I'm not about doing tutorials myself (yet) and this was done by making my own patterns for her skirt/tail.  I will post a few mermaid tail tutorials, though, that I've used in the past.  This link (party guest mermaid tails) was what I used to make all of her guests their own mermaid tails.  Easy and FUN!  

There are the up close shots of the food table!  I made the birthday sandcastle cake!  SOOOO.  I'm brilliant.  Instead of sending you to each individual link (which would probably be easier for you, but I have a job of keeping my kids alive so blogging has to be kept to a minimum until they're older) I'm giving you the link to my specific pinterest page I created just for this party theme.  You're welcome.  Mermaid Party Extravaganza.  Go pinterest your heart out. 

NOW FOR THE COOKIES!!!  My good friend is a creative and baking goddess, and I purchase cookies from her for every party.  Here is the link to her facebook business page.  She SHIPS.  And these cookies not only taste AMAZING, but they are darling!!
Caiti's Cookies

Again, that is Caiti's Cookies.  Find her on facebook.  She's amazing.

My Little Mermaid.  Her party was quite the success!!!  Also, it set the bar pretty high!  But now that I've done 3 themed and fun parties, I feel it's like riding a bike.  Right??  I hope so.  Because I have a 2nd Train Birthday Party coming up, and I've been procrastinating!!!  Time to get on the choo choo train and prepare another life celebration for my littlest little.  Thanks for stopping by!  I'll try to post pictures of an UP birthday, and the Super Hero party soon.  (Soon means nothing for me in internet standards....  It could be 3 years.  #justsayin) 

 Goodbye InterWeb!  Until next post!

Sincerely,
MeL

 

I can do it!

Hello world.  I'm feeling quite optimistic and exuberant today!  The birthday season is OVER.  I have spring to look forward to.  I get to utilize my time in more "free" ways.  And now, my husband and I are setting some goals to achieve.  And we haven't done that in ... I dunno.  A REALLY long time!!  

Over the past few years my family has become more and more health conscious.  We've read blogs, and research, and books, and articles!  We've tried many, MANY different ways of eating.  Paleo.  Maximized Living.  And have occasionally dabbled in vegan eating.  All of the above mentioned forms of "diet" are, in my book, always a good way to go if you're eating fast food, drinking soda, and purchasing boxed, processed foods from the grocery store.  They'll ALL provide you better quality health, and therefore a higher quality of life!  Who doesn't want that?!?  

A quick side track to explain the reasoning behind my constant quest for better health.  On December 12, 2008 I watched my dad die from cancer.  Technically it was septic shock that took him, but without the cancer he wouldn't have taken the chemo pills that sent his body into the downward spiral that killed him.  So cancer won again.  I DO NOT want to die anywhere near the age of 57 from health related issues if I have the power to take charge now.  And I do.  So I've been searching for what will be best for me.  And what makes me feel my best.  

Eating Maximized Living, above all the others, far and away was the BEST I've ever felt in my life.  The main difference that I can see is that you completely sugar detox.  You can't even have rice or bananas at first!!  (grains turn to sugar as soon as they hit your mouth, so those are out!  And even fruit sugar is technically still sugar {although MUCH better for your body!!!} and you can't have most fruits when you start that program.)  The only reason we stopped eating that way can be summed up in one word:  Pregnancy.  I got pregnant and the hormones and sour stomach took over and sugary sweets were all I could ingest without vomitting, so I ate them.  And off the wagon I fell.  

But now, it's been 15 months since I was pregant.  I've lost 20 pounds.  I still eat sugar.  And I don't feel as lively and energetic as I want to.  I'm broken out all of the time.  I'm having actual migraines, and that's totally new to my life!  I'm having panic attacks and fairly extreme anxiety from time to time during the months.  I can't fall asleep without help from something.  Wine, benedryl, etc.  It's time to take the reins back into my own hands!  And that's exactly what I plan to do.

We've watched just enough documentaries to feel ready and able to make the steps to becoming vegan.  My favorite sources of inspiration are The Kind Life, Alicia Silverstone's personal lifestyle.  Vegucated, a documentary we watched on Netflix, and of course Forks Over Knives, another Netflix documentary.  I also follow all of these on facebook and get daily inspiration by reading their posts.  If you want to know why I chose to become vegan, watch and read those.  They cite research that I find compelling.  Also, being vegan completely goes alongside my intense desire to promote saving the planet!  Or at least stopping the damage now.  Eating meat is horrible on the environment.  Horrible.  Disgustingly so.  And I already feel better as a human being knowing that I don't "just recycle".  I'm taking even more steps to reduce my carbon footprint.  For me.  For my kids!  (Who will indeed have to fix all of our selfish decisions in the future... sorry kids.)

Now on to my fitness goals!  One of my friends on facebook posted this AMAZING link the other day.  Arthur's Inspirational Transformation.  If THIS man can change his life and his fate, any of us can!  My husband ordered the DVD's and we just started this morning.  My husband has a horrible back due to a terrible accident from being thrown from horse when he was 11.  He almost died.  Since then he hasn't helped his back, or body.  He played in numerous bands, one of which was a metal band where the thrashing around couldn't have helped.  So this program will be perfect for him.  I'm excited to see what results our determination will provide!  

Another fitness goal of mine, besides getting this yoga thing down, is to get my knees and body in shape enough to do a color run!  I REALLY want to!  But first I want to strengthen my joints.  Did you know that when you're pregnant (as I've been 3 times) the hormones that relax your ligaments so your stomach can expand to hold a baby not only affect the ligaments in your hip and tummy area, but ALL joints and ligaments?!!  I can feel this horrible after affect, and I must strengthen myself before I dare run much.  But it is a goal.  Color Run!!  

So there you have it!  Get fit with yoga.  Start jogging soon.  Eat clean and healthy vegan.  I'm empowering this mommy of three to be healthier!  

Here's my pic from today.  What will be in a few months my "before" picture!  And I'm going to say it, I'm NOT embarassed of how I look.  I've had three kids.  I don't work out yet.  And frankly, I have zero desire to look like a model.  That's honest.  I like curves.  I personally find curves on women attractive.  Not that naturally string bean women are unattractive, but we all have our gravitations, don't we?  So I'm not out to be a certain size, see a certain number on the scale, etc.  I just want to feel good.  

So there I am!  Not too bad!  My last "before pictures" I weighed 20 pounds more.  So these I feel pretty good about!  

That will conclude my post for today.  I do really want to blog and post and share about the kids birthdays, but that is going to take me some time!  Zoey's Super Party was yesterday!  It.  Was.  Awesome.  I'll share a quick picture or two, a sneak peek!  Have a great Sunday!  

You don't have power over me. I do.

So...here I am.  In the midst of what I fondly refer to as "Birthday Season".  Sewing my ass off.  Crafting my ass off.  Baking my ass off.  Really just putting my whole heart into my children.  So since I put so much *unnecessary* pressure on myself to do too much, I always feel slightly to exuberantly stressed out.  Also, my husband has been traveling more than normal, and an upcoming trip is throwing me off.  My mom talked to me the other day and passively aggressively told me how bi polar I am.  (May be true, but I try hard to contain it and be on top of what triggers me and when to dial things down....also mostly I just get anxious.  No depression.  And PLEASE do not encourage me to go to a doctor.  They've only prescribed me meds that make everything WORSE, not better.  The best thing for me is to totally clean up my eating, get more exercise, and take things off of my stress list.) 

So I'm quite into instagram.  I love it.  It's like mini blogging, with TONS of pictures.  It's my happy place.  Usually....  I have had a few bad experiences. BUT, all of the bad has been brought on by my own issues.  Paranoia.  Lack of confidence.  Etc.  All I'm going to say is that NO ONE HAS THE POWER OVER HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.  Even if I did mess up.  That does not make me a bad person.  I will nick this confidence issue in the bud, before I'm 35 I hope!!  (Big changes take time...)  People you meet on the internet, although are real, flesh and blood, still are basically strangers.  You've not met them face to face.  You've not seen how they react when they're angry, or sad, or scared.  You mostly only know the perfect images they WANT you to believe is reality.  And I'd know.  I'm an internet lady.  Facebook.  Instagram.  Now a blog.  I will not let a moment of my own weakness result in me beating myself up all day.  It's over.  I said I was sorry.  (Wasn't even that big of a deal, but I don't enjoy being called passive aggressive when in all reality, it was presumption.  I presumed something to be true when I know nothing of the circumstances.  Done.)  I'm not a confrontational person.  So when I am confronted my stomach churns all fucking day long.  But not today.  I have power.  Over myself.  Over future mistakes.  Over the NOW!  I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And doggonnit....people like me!  Even with my flaws.

Ok.  Rant over.  I empowered myself, which is what I needed.  Learned from my mistake.  Learned how to not handle it (learning from the way others react is a way I can not treat others poorly in a moment of heated reaction).  And now, for my past week!

Teagan's 3rd birthday party was Sunday.  It was pretty great.  Mermaids mermaids everywhere!  Here are a few pics.  I'll blog about the whole thing later, as I want to share some of the sources of my inspiration and creation!  I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day.  I celebrated Zoey's 5th birthday today.  Her REAL day of birth!  Her party is Saturday!

Good bye, small amount of readers.  And mostly friends.  Until next post...