Here I am, again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to stand alone. But I've made up my mind. I ain't wastin' no more time.

I wish I had the conviction of that last line.  I feel like, every single month at this time, ALL I do is waste time.  I'm at day 26 of my cycle, and, as always, my life is in {what I perceive to be} anguish and turmoil.  Nothing is right.  {especially with ME}  Nothing is good.  Nothing will ever be good, or any semblance of the good I feel I used to be.  I cry.  At everything.  Sometimes (ok, most times) I just start crying and then I get this weird feeling of "WHAT THE FUCK".  Because I'm not DOING anything.  I'm isolating myself.  I'm not pushing too much.  I'm just here.  In front of a screen.  Keeping my brain busy with ANYthing other than what I am feeling and thinking.  But it isn't working.  I'm so sad.  I'm so scared.  I feel so alone.  I feel like the fattest, ugliest, most repulsive human of all time.  Ever.

This negative thinking is a symptom of women who have PMDD.  (I know all women feel this way from time to time, especially before their period.  But women with PMDD...well...the dip in hormones has a very dramatic effect on our brains.  It's like being debilitated by fear that you cannot help or control for at least one week out of every month.  That's 1/4 of our lives.  To feel flat out crazy, unhinged, guilty, and at times suicidal.  It comes with our monthly routine.  Which is why women who have PMDD are at a high suicide risk.  And need to be more outspoken about their condition so as to strip away some of the stigmas on "crazy women" and "that time of the month".)  This isn't your ordinary PMS.  This is life altering.  This makes you question so much of what you thought you knew.  Of what you thought you believed.  Having a disorder that no one can see, and that very few people can relate to is...it's tough.  I'm not trying to cry myself a river.  If anything, I'm trying to be HONEST with MYSELF about this.  So that I can continue to battle it, and every month maybe I'll feel slightly more "in control" just knowing that none of these thoughts and feeling are my fault, and I just have to ride the storm out.

I don't know where to go when I feel this way.  Being a home body seems to be my first inclination.  But trapping myself in this unfinished hell hole (it's not really a hell hole, but at this time of month, with all the chaos left untended to, it FEELS like a hell hole that I'VE single handedly created.  And I'm the only one to fix it. And guilt just KEEPPPPSSSS ON COMING.  Which makes everything worse.).  I've gained enough weight (legit dudes....not TONS, but enough that trying on clothes in Old Navy before yoga class was enough to make me want to hide from all of humanity until either I'm dead, or all the other people are dead) that I am now consciously avoiding people I'm familiar with.  I'm marked head to toe with the scars of my picking addiction.  I'm easily 20 pounds heavier than I was this summer.  I don't feel like putting on makeup does ANYthing to cover up my failures as a woman.  A mom who has given up on herself.  That's me.  And I don't know that I can "beat" this disorder.  It is SO strong.  I give in to too many sugar cravings.  I'm not eating my fruits and veggies.  I'm letting myself go.  And I hate myself for it.

So I'm RIDICULOUSLY afraid of posting this.  It's my life.  It's my pain.  It's the only way I've ever known, and I've kept it as secret as possible.  Trying to play off my mood swings.  Trying to tell myself that one day it will be better. The hope that one day it will be better dwindles with each passing month, which contributes to me feeling like letting go is best.

I miss my yoga class.  I miss feeling confident and proud.  I hate this person who I'm becoming.  She's passive.  She'd rather let her kids have fits than calm down her hormonal swings because I'm not sure I CAN control them.  I've generally stopped punishing.  Because I can't do it without inflicting unnecessary emotional pain on them.  Growing up is hard enough without a mom who unleashes her PMDD on you.  Seriously.

Umm.  So.  That's where I'm at today.  I'm going to go find a place to be for awhile.  I've always wanted to go up the tower and Unity Village, and today must be the day.

I really am very sensitive and self conscious about all of this.  Most of you reading this know me one way or the other.  And now you know me more than you wanted to.  ;-)