Hello. I have many updates. Especially in regards to PMDD. And me. But first, I've included some photos of my hike down La Mina Falls in El Yunque, Puerto Rico. That's me, above, in front of La Coca Falls (they were in a drought and the waterfalls were a mere trickle compared to normal...). Nothing like a frumpy pic to make one contemplate taking exercise seriously again. I don't look horrible (depending on whom you ask, but that is MY feeling). But for me, this is frumpy. I've had QUITE the year, though, and I do take that in to consideration. PMDD brought me two straight years of suicide ideation. Half the month was a struggle to want to carry on. I never planned anything, but there were times I might try to figure out the fastest, least painful method of ridding the planet of myself. I'm going to use phrases in my blogging that directly reflect words I have spoken to myself before. Like ridding the planet of myself. I don't truly, in my heart, believe that. I actually believe I'm a very talented, warm hearted, kind and creative person who can always help make the world better. BUT, beginning with ovulation (usually), comes my battle. The battle of the Mels. PMDD-Mel vs. Just-Mel. And 2-3 day before my period begins, PMDD Mel always won. Always. I'd have panic attacks. I'd have a difficult time breathing (just being still, mind you, then you add some stair walking into the equation and forget about it!!). I couldn't focus. I couldn't remember why I walked into a room. I couldn't remember what I was doing before I walked into that room. I forgot to eat. I couldn't handle being around my kids. The noise, the things that kids just do, would overwhelm me and I'd flip. PMDD is the worst thing I have ever experienced. And after two straight years of it, I am changed. Fundamentally different. I have yet to discover if this is good or bad, but my gut tells me all hard journeys lead to better roads.
Some paths are slippery, though. Like the trail down to La Mina Falls. This lovely humongous bruise is a trophy of my massive slip when my hip/outer leg landed on a nice rock. Before I fell, I was so confident. I was raring to go. I was hell bent on showing the random other hotel guests who were also on this tour that I was more than just a slightly overweight Midwestern mom of three. I was strong. Capable. And in need of NO help. Funny how that attitude usually comes before a fall, isn't it? And in this instance, a literal fall. A hard crash. One that rocked me to my core. Not just because the pain was so significant. Physical pain? I can handle it. (Except for jaw bone infections....those I cannot handle.) The entire group looked around and freaked out when I fell. Like my 7 year old daughter, that reaction from a group is an immediate way to get me to shut down and basically dislike all people. :) Not really. But I'll get confrontational if you hover too much. And of course, as you're probably wondering why I haven't yet mentioned the elephant in the room, my pride was taken from far above normal to right about where it should have been. We are usually more open to hearing our inner voices, and maybe some other stories, while we are at the low point. And I did.
Those of you that know me will have heard me mention (a lot) my dad and his passing. That was another huge turning point in my life. I miss him. Every. Single. Day. Without fail. I think of him all the time. The only difference from now to 8 (I think?) years ago is that the open wound has mostly scarred up. Its not so fresh. Not so hard to face. Not so poignant. But for the first time in a long while, I felt him with me. We always hiked together. Always. And as I was trekking down, I kept thinking of who I wished was there with me. Normally I'd wish it were my husband. But he suffers from a very painful disease (psoriatic arthritis) that left untreated (and most of the time WITH treatment) leaves him debilitated and miserable. So I didn't wish he was there. That would be bad for both of us. I don't know why it took me as long as it did to think of my dad. And when I did, the sadness took over. Because he would have LOVED it. I guess I'm not to the point when people say things like "Don't spend your time sad that he's gone. Be happy for the times you had together." NO. And eff you. Sorry. But I MISS MY DAD. I AM glad for the times we had together, but I grieve for all the missed moments of bonding. Of laughter. Of really special talks. So feeling him with me was bittersweet. But mostly reassuring. That he's not fading.
When we were on vacation in June, I had already begun my new medical regime. I've tried a few things in my day. But the generic Zoloft keeps me from being to weepy (b/c without it I cry pretty much any time I speak of anything personal, which is not only humiliating but affirms to others that I am crazy). I FINALLY (and I do mean frickin finally) realized I need anxiety medicine. For now, all the time. This was huge for me. Anxiety is my main disorder, it is always there. PMDD is worse and wreaks far more havoc on my body, but anxiety is my crutch. And anxiety wreaks plenty of havoc, but the PMDD debilitates me. And when it has been studied even more, I'm sure these two go hand in hand. Many women who suffer from PMDD report a lot of anxiety. PMDD is a catalyst to the crazy. So my anxiety med is busiprone. An OB once told me it was "xanax's little brother". It's non addictive, and simply makes me feel normal again. Not fuzzy headed but clear and able to make normal decisions. Like what I want to eat. Or simply that the dishes are not Mt. Everest and it takes all the stress out of normal day-to-day activities. (But when you are suffering with no medication, simple things like doing the dishes, or picking up trash wrappers your kids left on the couch, or clearing off the dinner table, seem like fucking Mt. Everest.) I'm on birth control to stop my ovulation. As I've read, I'm one of the few that birth control helps (in regards to PMDD). Most women report it making their lives worse. But without it, I AM WORSE. So I take it. Then there's my last prescription. My sleep pill. It's also an antidepressant. Trazadone. This has been my go-to sleep prescription (on and off) for the last 10+ years. It's the only one I have goals to wean from anytime soon. I've obviously not tackled the root of my anxiety or else I'd be able to sleep without it. Alas, I still need it. Then I also take supplements. For allergies and feelings of inflammation I take Aller-defense by Maharishi Ayurveda. I now can tell when I don't take it. The place I can feel it most? My gut. I have IBS (thanks mom and dad!) and it has helped relieve pain. (I also take plenty of probiotics. My favorite brand is by FAR is Garden of Life. And kombucha is an immediate relief drink!) I also take licorice root supplements. They help with cortisol levels. I don't notice these as much, but I will supplement with them so I'm not over doing my busiprone. Another product that has absolutely changed my life is Advocare's Spark. I get my my boost in the mornings and afternoons when I'm sluggish, without the crash that coffee and sugary drinks bring. And I'm not joking, it has changed my life. I'm technically a distributor, so if you'd like to purchase some from me, PLEASE let me know! So that covers that.
And this picture, above, well I've never seen myself looking that way. When I saw it, I knew it was time to force myself back into my yoga routine. Sometimes a vacation picture is the motivation you need. I've gotten back into regular classes and found my groove again. And my confidence. And some vitality. AND. AND.... AANNNDDDD.... I've decided to take an Ashtanga (info about Ashtanga here...) yoga teacher training course in October. I've felt in my gut that things were changing in March or April. And now I'm getting excited about that. This is going to set my life on such a freeing path! The times that I have felt the most purpose have been when working. But now, I'll have a job that will MEAN something. To me. And to the people who step foot in my classroom. I've already begun gathering songs for a playlist. I'm not a frufru yogi. So my playlist is going to be FUN! Not that meditative songs that are mostly instrumental with some chanting are not fun. But what gets me going is a good tune thats words and rhythm bring me to a place where I can stop focusing so much on whether I can or can't do a pose, but on the process of trying the pose in a fun and light hearted manner. I'm so ready.
So life the past couple of months has been FULL. Busting over with lots of thoughts. I've been far more contemplative than usual, and right now that is a good thing. I still have a lot I'm chewing over. But I do feel taking this new road is a game changer. I'm taking my life back. I'm cleaning up my diet. I'm taking the supplements and pills with ZERO guilt. I'm taking the steps that are necessary for me to be vibrant again. To regain my sense of self. And to regain my sense of purpose. I've been raising 3 small children, and yes that has DEFINITE purpose!! But, for me, it has brought so many challenges and anxieties that have proven to me it's time to get back out into the world! I've enjoyed my time with the littles, while they're little. And now, I'll enjoy my time with them even more.
Namaste Bitches.
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